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My name is Connor. Together, we're gonna live the high life on a low budget. Welcome to the Schmucks Guide to Society.
It’s Oscar season, which means a lot of movies you’ve never heard of are making headlines.
I’ve taken it upon myself to narrow down reviews of each nominee, breaking them down into memorable chunks for you to regurgitate so you don’t look like an uncultured fool for not having sat through 40 hours of slow, dramatic cinema.
Everything Everywhere All At Once
If you are under fifty?
“This is the greatest example of how it feels to exist in today's society and the defining take on the philosophical disparity between mine and my parents' generation”.
Over fifty?
“I didn’t get it”
Banshees of Inisherin
A reminder of how real men deal with emotions; bottle it up with a few pints every night, and if we’re gonna do something, we’re gonna mean it so much we’ll cut our own hand off for it!
Avatar: The Way of Water
James Cameron spent twelve years on the effects and not the script and it shows! Best action scenes all year, least memorable characters.
Tár
I promise it’s not as boring as it looks.
(I haven’t actually seen this one yet. Looks boring)
Elvis
Tom Hanks’ fat suit has a gullet!
Triangle of Sadness
Successfully fulfilled my dream to see a Russian oligarch shit and barf at the same time.
The Fablemans
That Spielberg fella's goin’ places.
Top Gun: Maverick
Plane go vroooom.
Marcel the Shell with Shoes On
Cute flick!
Blonde
Cute chick!
Women Talking
Lotta dialogue.
The Whale
This is a tricky film since it seems so divisive to so many people. Some love it, citing an intense cathartic emotional experience like no other, while others call it a cringey boring wreck. Those latter people have no heart, but still must be appeased. When talking about The Whale, one thing is undeniable, Brendan Fraser is fantastic.
When asked about this film, I simply repeat: “Mmmm Brendan Fraser, yes. Mhmmm. Brendan Fraser.” until everyone agrees my take is correct.
And that’s all she wrote for the Oscar season 2023!
Agree? Congratulations, you have the right opinions.
Disagree? Write your own blog then! I don't care!
Thanks for reading this far down, now if you'll excuse me I need to get back to working up the patience to sit through Tár. Until next time, my friends.