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House Enterprise's very mean MLB Power Rankings

With the NHL regular season sadly coming to an end soon, I'm in need of more content to cover these days... so welcome to the first installment of House Enterprise's very mean MLB Power Rankings. With the first (full) week of MLB action in the books, let's see who tops the list, and who is bottom feeding.

(AP Photo/Steve Helber)


30. Arizona Diamondbacks

The first week of the season hasn't been kind to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Their team's .152 batting average is the lowest in the league, along with their 13.9% walk rate being the highest. Their pitching hasn't been much better than their offense, with a 15.6% strikeout rate, which happens to be the lowest in the MLB.

Couple that with that fact that the D-Backs have hardly any star power on their team, and you have a recipe for a very long and grueling 162 in Phoenix.


29. Washington Nationals

Aside from Juan Soto, there isn't much to report on as far as the Washington Nationals go. This team is a far cry from the Nationals that won the World Series just three short years ago. Washington's most recent series was a four game set against the Pittsburgh Pirates, where the Nats were only able to squeak away with one win.

They'll be back home to open up a series against... the Arizona Diamondbacks. A series of stink.


28. Baltimore Orioles

When I was doing my power ranking notes over the weekend, I originally had the Orioles at 29 on this list. However, after their series win over the powerhouse New York Yankees, which included a 5-0 shutout on Sunday, I decided that they deserve to be one spot up. Probably the only nice thing I'll have to say about the Orioles for the rest of the season.


27. Cincinnati Reds

The Reds are off to an abysmal start this year. Not only have they lost their last six games in a row, but the team's COO, Phil Catellini, made headlines after he told fan's "where are you going to go? Are you gonna abandon being a Reds fan?” after hearing their pleas for the team to be sold. I don't even have to be mean to the Reds, their owner already roasted them. Yikes.


26. Texas Rangers

I know it's still very, very early on in the season... but the Rangers spent $500 million on their infield alone this offseason, and must've subsequently forgot to bolster their pitching staff, which has given up a league high 18 home runs, and sports the worst team earned run average in the MLB with a 6.19 ERA.


25. Kansas City Royals

The Royals have yet to win a series here in the young 2022 season. Huge pieces of Kansas City's offense such as an ageing Salvador Pérez, Whit Merrifield and Bobby Witt Jr. have been almost nonexistent. At least Andrew Benintendi is having a fast start to his year! Probably won't last long, though. Last place in the AL Central, here comes Kansas City!


24. Oakland Athletics

Despite their meme worthy fire sale this offseason, the A's were able to put up a good fight against one of the better teams in the American League, the Tampa Bay Rays. That's the only reason I don't have them sub-25 on this week's list. Vegas is calling.


23. Pittsburgh Pirates

Ke’Bryan Hayes' fast start to the season is giving Pittsburgh fan's a reason to cheer for their baseball team this year. Other than that, they're still the Pirates. Their prospect pool is among the best in the league, so maybe we'll see some exciting call ups sooner rather than later.


22. Detroit Tigers

The Tigers, so far, are exactly who they've been for the last few years. Just a bottom-dwelling baseball team that is off mostly everyone's radar in a rapidly growing American League Central.


21. Minnesota Twins

Geez, Byron Buxton can't catch a break, can he? His MRI showed no serious damage, but he's still going to miss about a week. Hopefully the two impact bats acquired from the Yankees this offseason in Gary Sanchez and Gio Urshela can help get the Twins off the basement floor of the AL Central.


20. Miami Marlins

The Marlins have a young and promising pitching core that is only just getting started. Jesus Luzardo put up a 12 strikeout performance against the Los Angeles Angels on Tuesday, the highest of his career. What's more impressive than 12 strikeouts? Getting those K's in just five innings and 76 pitches. Insanity from Luzardo. Still possibly the most boring team in the MLB sadly.


19. Cleveland Guardians

The newly named Cleveland Guardians' bats are about as hot as they come. Despite a lackluster series against the San Francisco Giants this weekend in which they were swept in three games, Cleveland still averages the most runs per game in the American League with 5.44. I'll still never get used to saying Guardians. What's worse, Washington Commanders, or Cleveland Guardians?


18. Colorado Rockies

How about the freakin' Colorado Rockies, huh? The Rockies bullpen has been lights out, posting a 1.80 ERA which is the lowest in the MLB. Colorado also has yet to lose a series so far this year, the closest they came was splitting a four game set with the Chicago Cubs over the weekend. Huge shoutout to Connor Joe! (love that name)

How can I be mean to the Rockies? Their entire fanbase already knows the impending doom that is hovering over their heads, I won't add insult to injury.


17. Milwaukee Brewers

Despite having a stacked squad, which includes the reigning NL Cy Young award winner in Corbin Burnes, and perennial All-Star and ex-NL MVP, Chrisitan Yelich, the Brewers have been lackluster. Through their first ten games, Brewers pitchers issued 4.75 walks per nine innings, and their offense could only muster up a measly 3.1 runs per game, the second worst in the National League.


16. Seattle Mariners

The Seattle Mariners were right on the doorstep of making the playoffs for the first time since 2001 last season. Seattle's x-factor this season, the difference between making the playoffs and missing them, will be their young talent. The Mariners desperately need Jarred Kelenic to make that leap this season and be the guy that they thought he'd be when they traded for him.

Although it's early, Kelenic has not been that guy yet. Kelenic's current slash line through 29 at-bats is .172/.242/.310. Don't forget about Julio Rodríguez, who has 16 strikeouts in 35 plate appearances. Despite all this, I still choose the Seattle Mariners as my dark horse to win the AL West.


15. Philadelphia Phillies

Phillies' infielder, Alec Bohm, said what all of us are thinking when in Philly, "I hate this place." I won't be nice to the Phillies this year. Not this year, not next year, not in the last 24 years, not in the next 124 years. If the Phillies are to make the playoffs this year, they need to play well against fellow NL East teams, and so far they haven't, dropping two series' against the New York Mets and Miami Marlins.

With a roster that features Bryce Harper, J.T. Realmuto, Didi Gregorius, Nick Castellanos, Zack Wheeler, Aaron Nola, and Rhys Hoskins, that shouldn't be a problem, should it, Philly? Chime in please.


14. Chicago Cubs

Is Seiya Suzuki the early favorite for National League "Rookie" of the Year? (He's 27)

Suzuki is a five-time Nippon Professional Baseball All-Star, and is slugging .960 with four home runs in his first nine games in Chicago. "I am 12."


13. Los Angeles Angels

Please, PLEASE, Angels, don't waste another year of Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani's careers. We're all begging you. Trout missed most of the season last year with an injury, and left Sunday's game against the Texas Rangers early after being hit on the hand by a pitch. His x-rays came back negative, which is great news for not only Angels fans, but baseball fans in general.

The Angels lead the league in home runs with 15. PLEASE let this be the year that you do something.


12. Tampa Bay Rays

Wander Franco's .381/.386/.548 is the only thing keeping the 5-5 Tampa Bay Rays from being much lower on this list. They'll figure it out, though. They somehow keep finding ways to win over the last few years despite the odds being stacked against them. Aside from an opening series sweep of the Baltimore Orioles, the Rays have been very disappointing.


11. Boston Red Sox

I wanted to put the Red Sox higher on this list, but they had one simple task; shell Gerrit Cole in the first inning and put the Yankees behind the behind the 8 ball early in the season for the sake of the rest of the MLB fanbases. They failed. Boston has had flashes of brilliance here and there, but they play in a very tough AL East, they're going to need a lot more than just a few good performances in order to contend.

Michael Wacha has been really good in his two starts this season. Weird, right? Can't forget to mention Garrett Whitlock! I like what I'm seeing from the 25-year old right hander.


10. Atlanta Braves

The defending world champs haven't been super impressive through the first two weeks of the season. We have to remember though, they let Freddie Freeman walk in the offseason (stupid) and they're still awaiting the return of Ronald Acuna Jr. Atlanta has yet to win a series so far in the season, splitting two four game series' with both the Cincinnati Reds and San Diego Padres, and dropping a three game set against the lowly Washington Nationals. Not what we expect from the mighty, mighty Atlanta Braves!


9. San Diego Padres

I think we all expected the Padres to be good this year, but here in the early going they've been mediocre. They're awaiting Fernando Tatis Jr's return from the injured list, but great job by Eric Hosmer for picking up the slack in Tatis' absence! Still, they play in a very competitive NL West, where they have very little shot against the Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco Giants. History repeats itself.


8. Houston Astros

Houston's offense is putrid right now. Could it be because they lost Carlos Correa to free agency over the offseason? Maybe Yordan Álvarez's injury is holding them back? Lack of garbage cans? I think it's a mixture of all three. Good news for fans in Houston, however, is that Justin Verlander is back and has looked very solid in his two starts. I don't know, poking fun at the Astros just seems too easy these days. They're already #1 on the most hated teams ever power rankings list.


7. New York Yankees

Many of my friends are Yankees fans, I can see the frustration brewing. Unfortunately for Yankees' fans, George Steinbrenner isn't in charge anymore, and that's apparent with New York's lack of spending these last few years. Perhaps no offseason has been more frustrating for Yankees' fans than this year was, couple that with the fact that they dropped two out of three against the horrid Baltimore Orioles, and you have people ready to smash their heads against the wall in the Bronx.

Don't forget about the $350 million man having Yankees' fans burying their head in the sand.

Still, the Yankees are the Yankees. They have a scary lineup, and should easily contend for the AL East title come season's end. Nestor Cortes continues to prove the haters wrong.


6. St. Louis Cardinals

I'm usually not an advanced stats kind of guy, but when I see things like "the Cardinals have the fourth best FIP in the National League with 3.34, and third best wRC+ with 125" I understand that it's a good thing and they're off to a great start. Paul Goldschmidt stinks, Albert Pujols is oddly good right now but will fall off, Nolan Arenado is off to an amazing start, Yadier Molina stinks. I'm annoyed at the Cardinals for not giving me much to hate on right now.


5. San Francisco Giants

Can the Giants go away? Seriously though, they're the Pittsburgh Penguins of the MLB. Just when you think this old, washed Giants team is finally going to call it quits and blow it up, they prove to be NL West contenders.


4. Toronto Blue Jays

When I picked the Blue Jays to win the AL East last year I got laughed at. I don't think I was too far off, though, as this year feels like the season where the AL East will finally turn over to the Blue Jays. Or, they'll win 91 games and miss the playoffs again. Choice is yours, Toronto!


3. Chicago White Sox

Round of applause to the Chicago White Sox. After winning their division last season, they're hungry and back for more. They have yet to lose a series here in the early going, and were a clear choice for the #3 spot on this list. They have an impressive pitching staff, and some nice young bats in the lineup. The White Sox went from the absolute most boring team in the MLB to a team that maybe people will want to watch a few times a month.


2. New York Mets

Let me have this one! You'll call me biased, but I'm not, think about it; the Mets are only one of three teams in the MLB with seven wins, their starting rotation has a 1.07 ERA over 10 games, that's the best 10-game start in the MLB since 1913, and they're doing it all without Jacob deGrom!

But, how many times have we Mets fans seen this happen? How many times in our lives have we seen the Mets absolutely dominate early in the season, only to be completely out of playoff contention come mid-July? I won't get my hopes up just yet, I refuse.


1. Los Angeles Dodgers

This isn't a surprise. We all knew the Dodgers would be this high on the list, they have been one of the top teams in the league for the better half of a decade, and only got stronger with their addition of Freddie Freeman over the offseason. Still, at the end of the day, it's a full 162-game season. The Mickey Mouse 60-game World Series Champs will most likely end up choking it away in the postseason, once again. Sorry, Dodgers.

The only reason the Dodgers make it above the Mets on this list is because of Andrew Heaney's 11 strikeouts against the Reds on Sunday, and Clayton Kershaw's near-perfect game last week.


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